Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.
I remember reciting this in a singsong voice when exchanging insults on the playground. Arms folded, chin jutted out, defiance blazing in my eyes. Back then the biggest insult was being a poo poo head. I did not suffer an insult. I loved being that girl.
But that’s a lie. Names can hurt. And sometimes we don’t even know we’re doing it.
Three friends – let’s call them Guileless, Naive and Innocent – were talking about their move from primary (elementary) to high school. High school was the great unknown and their only source of information came from Hollywood movies. They believed there would be popular kids, jocks, band geeks and the nerds. Naive said, “we probably won’t be friends in high school.”
Guileless was alarmed. “What? Why?”
Innocent jumped in. “Well, I’ll be a jock. Naive will be popular, and you’ll be with the nerds.”
On paper, Guileless was probably the most popular and outgoing of her friendship circle. She was confident, she fit in, she made friends easy. She worked hard but was more artistic than academic. So she didn’t understand why she would be the ‘nerd’ in her limited, stereotypical definition gleaned from Hollywood movies. She just remembers feeling sad at the prospect of losing her friends.
That is not what happened. Innocent was definitely not a jock. Naive was too shy to be considered popular. They soon discovered high school is not like Hollywood. And they remained friends.
Naive and Innocent will probably not even remember that conversation where they were imagining a different life. But nerd echoed in the mind of Guileless. Naive and Innocent had unknowingly and unintentionally sowed a seed. You see, Guileless wore glasses. She had mousy brown hair which she preferred to pull back into a messy ponytail. Movie after movie would reveal the same character depiction further confirming her bias. She would internalise the word, become timid and uncertain, withdraw and avoid some social situations. This would confuse her parents who wondered why their social butterfly seemed to regress to pupa stage.
Years later, she would share this story with her mother. Guileless was reflective and a bit abashed that such an innocent remark had so much influence. She felt bad that she allowed nerd to be a negative stereotype in her mind. She valued learning the power in a name. It’s made her more considered about the power of people choosing names that describe them, and discarding names that don’t fit, especially Hollywood stereotypes.
Names, labels, boxes – call them what you will. It is not for others to define who we are.
I bet we can all think of some names that have taken up too much space in our brains. Some of those names were cast off comments but for some reason they stuck. Some of those names were planted maliciously, with an intent to hurt. And I bet sometimes we are the ones doing the naming. We’re not always kind to ourselves or others.
We can’t control other people. but we can decide which names we keep. If you’re holding onto a name – decide if it’s one you choose for yourself. If not, let it go.
If you need a name, try one of these on: awesome, capable, fierce, generous, thoughtful.
Explore what it feels to be these names. If you like it, keep it. If you don’t, put it back and choose a different name. The point is – you choose your names.
Rebel Edge UK 
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